"The Big Easy"
by Ricky Wolking
A few years ago I was driving from Kentucky to
North Carolina to see my grandma. I had been driving
all day, It was getting late, I was getting tired.
I was still about 80 miles away when I decided
to stop off and call a buddy of mine in nearby
Winston Salem. We met at a club, talked some shite
to each other and made fun of the gigging band
on stage. At 2 am the ugly lights came on and this
mildly attractive little girl came running up to
me. She was a bit hysterical and soaking wet from
the outside pouring rain… “My car is
not starting!!!! All my friends have left me here!!!
Can you please please give me a ride home?” … I
still had another 80 miles to travel to my grandma’s
house but hey, I was feeling nice… for a
damsel in distress … and she was hot!!! :0)
Anyway – as I am driving her to her home,
we start to yap and acquire a liking for one another.
We finally arrive at her apt… she asked me
if I would like to come in for a drink….
She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen… anyway… I
felt a little suspicious - too easy - so I put
my wallet underneath my car seat without her seeing
(knowing me in those days – I probably had
about $20 in there). We go into her place, pop
open an ice cold Budweiser and begin to get a little
bit cozy. Before I could even swallow a sip, she
was on me – hot for me… she needed
it… NOW … she grabbed my hand and said, “lets
go upstairs”… so I said, “wait… I
gotta pee” (so I’m not Ricardo suave)– I’m
tripping out here… something’s not
right…. I went to the downstairs bathroom
looking for anything that might look like it belongs
to a guy… I found nothing… I looked
in the medicine cabinet, under the sink….
Still, nothing… I didn’t know what
was going on… I was a bit spooked, but I
had an inkling that I might get laid… so
I hung in there… I came back out and she
led me to her bed… down we go on to the cushions
of love… off goes her blouse… off goes
my shirt… off with her bra… she had
the nicest … never mind (it’s at least
3 am) … and then she goes “stop!”… “STOP!!!”… Huh?… “STOP… Let’s
just lay here together and fall to sleep in each
other’s arms”… ??? … whaa??? … ???
Now – there is a lot of chicks I do not understand,
but this takes the cake. I laid there staring at
the ceiling listening to her sympathetic “are
you upset’s?” for a couple of minutes
trying to figure out how to get up and leave and
not be an asshole… I built up the courage
and just came clean… “Look, we don’t
even know each other – we shouldn’t
be doing this anyway… I need to go see my
grandma” - then the bathroom light flicked
on… and then off… she started laughing… she
was still laying beside me… I got up in a
frantic and fought her off of me while I got dressed … she
was pulling at me and begging me to stay and trying
to kiss me – I bolted with goose bumps on
the back of my spine thinking what THE HELL IS
GOING ON!!!! I made a beeline for the front door
all the while pushing her off of me. I closed the
door behind me, and began to trot to my car… then
I heard the front door open up after me… I
looked back and there in the doorway – I’m
getting goose bumps now just writing this - there
in the doorway was a man with a gun pointed at
my back. I’m not very knowledgeable about
guns but it had a barrel like something out of
a Clint eastwood movie… I was about 10 feet
away from him… I have no idea what their
sick minds had planned for the night… I was
only trying to help a little girl out of a situation
and ok – maybe get laid in the process… who
knows how I would have waken up if I had chosen
to “lay there together in each others arms’ – who
knows if I would have even woke up at all.
Anyway, I learned some very valuable lessons on
this frightful evening that have stuck with me
ever since and I would like to share them with
you.
#5 I can run faster than bullets can fly
#4 never trust a girl who “just wants to
lay together in your arms”
#3 if a soaking wet girl ask you for help – leave
her at the club
#2 never laugh at a gigging band
#1 my grandma makes the sweetest blueberry jacks
in the world at 5 a.m.
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