"The Big Easy"
by Ricky Wolking

A few years ago I was driving from Kentucky to North Carolina to see my grandma. I had been driving all day, It was getting late, I was getting tired. I was still about 80 miles away when I decided to stop off and call a buddy of mine in nearby Winston Salem. We met at a club, talked some shite to each other and made fun of the gigging band on stage. At 2 am the ugly lights came on and this mildly attractive little girl came running up to me. She was a bit hysterical and soaking wet from the outside pouring rain… “My car is not starting!!!! All my friends have left me here!!! Can you please please give me a ride home?” … I still had another 80 miles to travel to my grandma’s house but hey, I was feeling nice… for a damsel in distress … and she was hot!!! :0) Anyway – as I am driving her to her home, we start to yap and acquire a liking for one another. We finally arrive at her apt… she asked me if I would like to come in for a drink…. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen… anyway… I felt a little suspicious - too easy - so I put my wallet underneath my car seat without her seeing (knowing me in those days – I probably had about $20 in there). We go into her place, pop open an ice cold Budweiser and begin to get a little bit cozy. Before I could even swallow a sip, she was on me – hot for me… she needed it… NOW … she grabbed my hand and said, “lets go upstairs”… so I said, “wait… I gotta pee” (so I’m not Ricardo suave)– I’m tripping out here… something’s not right…. I went to the downstairs bathroom looking for anything that might look like it belongs to a guy… I found nothing… I looked in the medicine cabinet, under the sink…. Still, nothing… I didn’t know what was going on… I was a bit spooked, but I had an inkling that I might get laid… so I hung in there… I came back out and she led me to her bed… down we go on to the cushions of love… off goes her blouse… off goes my shirt… off with her bra… she had the nicest … never mind (it’s at least 3 am) … and then she goes “stop!”… “STOP!!!”… Huh?… “STOP… Let’s just lay here together and fall to sleep in each other’s arms”… ??? … whaa??? … ??? Now – there is a lot of chicks I do not understand, but this takes the cake. I laid there staring at the ceiling listening to her sympathetic “are you upset’s?” for a couple of minutes trying to figure out how to get up and leave and not be an asshole… I built up the courage and just came clean… “Look, we don’t even know each other – we shouldn’t be doing this anyway… I need to go see my grandma” - then the bathroom light flicked on… and then off… she started laughing… she was still laying beside me… I got up in a frantic and fought her off of me while I got dressed … she was pulling at me and begging me to stay and trying to kiss me – I bolted with goose bumps on the back of my spine thinking what THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!! I made a beeline for the front door all the while pushing her off of me. I closed the door behind me, and began to trot to my car… then I heard the front door open up after me… I looked back and there in the doorway – I’m getting goose bumps now just writing this - there in the doorway was a man with a gun pointed at my back. I’m not very knowledgeable about guns but it had a barrel like something out of a Clint eastwood movie… I was about 10 feet away from him… I have no idea what their sick minds had planned for the night… I was only trying to help a little girl out of a situation and ok – maybe get laid in the process… who knows how I would have waken up if I had chosen to “lay there together in each others arms’ – who knows if I would have even woke up at all.
Anyway, I learned some very valuable lessons on this frightful evening that have stuck with me ever since and I would like to share them with you.
#5 I can run faster than bullets can fly
#4 never trust a girl who “just wants to lay together in your arms”
#3 if a soaking wet girl ask you for help – leave her at the club
#2 never laugh at a gigging band
#1 my grandma makes the sweetest blueberry jacks in the world at 5 a.m.

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