"The Adventures of Swim Boy"
By Kenneth Craig
One night about 3 years ago, back when I was drinkin'
(to put it mildly...I would go thru a fifth of Jack
Daniels just to get started, and I'm a small guy),
me and my current singer, Roger and an ex drummer-fuck
head, were playing an acoustic gig down
on Ft. Mizzery Beach (FT. Myers , Fla.). It was
the third set and a percussion group (bohemian's
if you ask me, nobody in the group had showered in
weeks...not even any pachtouli) wanted to set in
with us. I saw this as an excellent chance to sneak
off to a bar a few feet away and get started on some
serious drinkin'! I mean shit faced, who the fuck
am I, where are my pants and key's, let alone my
car, on my face drunk!!!!!!!!!!!! That's the way
I was back in the day, really fuckin' stupid!!!
Anywho, that's the last thing I remember until the
next morning. It's still really fuzzy, but what I
do remember is waking very fuzzy, still drunk (hang
over not even kicked in yet) With something jabbing
me in the ribs! I slowly, really slowly as not to
throw up, raised my head to see what was waking me
up. There was a Ft. Myers Beach Police officer jabbing
me with his night stick, repeating "naked boy,
swim boy, wake up... wake up!!!" Also standing
around were his partner and a crowd of about 25 or
30 people looking on! It was about 9am , the sun
was burning down (it was summer) and I started to
make sense of what he was saying...... "naked
boy, swim boy...", when I had a starteling revelation,
I was completely Freakin' Naked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I started to get a grasp on the situation..... bad...bad....bad!
I had all my clothes, soaking wet, balled up as a
pillow, sleeping at the entrance of a public men's
room. It was locked, of course, as the beach was
just starting to fill with people. Actually someone
had unlocked a few minutes earlier, and a few people
had stepped over me then called the cops! Why the
fuck didn't some asshole wake me up without calling
the cops!!
Thinking back, if I saw me laying there naked, I
wouldn't have gotten within 10 feet of me (120 lbs.
soakin wet, naked!). I got up, talked to the officer
for a moment until he stopped me and asked me one
more time to get dressed. Still in a daze, having
no idea what happened, I got dressed into wet clothes
and started to ask the officer if I had really just
been laying there naked for the whole beach to laugh
at (obviously still very intoxicated and confused),
he just snickered and answered "yup". They
ran my license, checking for warrants, and luckily
I didn't have any that week!! In the time it took
to do this I came to enough to become incredibly
embarrassed, and asked the other officer if they
would give me a ride home. "Not a fuckin' chance" he
replied sarcasticly, " here's some change Swim
Boy, the pay phone is over there."
I called my apartment, which I shared with my girlfriend
at the time and her roommate. The roommate answered
and explained that my girlfriend had come home extremely
drunk and she could not wake her. I asked if she
would come pick me up before the officer's changed
thier mind's and arrested me! She did. My girlfriend
being too drunk to wake up was a blessing in disguise.
She was worried I would be mad about her coming home
drunk and I didn't have to explain much about what
had happened to me! Until about a week later, my
manager at the time caught wind of this and called
the local radio station where he knew a DJ. The DJ
felt it his duty to let his listeners hear of my
experience. Then live, on air; the DJ called my place
pretending to be the Ft. Mizzery Beach Police. "We
have changed our minds and need to come take Kenneth
Craig down to the police station for his indecent
exposure incident". What a stroke of luck, my
girlfriend answered.....whoooopie!!!
The fun was jut about to start!!! Fuckin' asshole's!
The moral to my little tale is that drinkin' like
a viking usually comes with serious repercusions! I still
to this day have no idea what happened between the
hour's of sneaking away from the gig and waking to
the pig's!!!! That is definitely the worst part of
all!!!!
Kenny Craig is the alpa omega Honky Mofo. A
beautiful cat who loves to rock out. A lifetime
homey of the
original Honky. If you like guitars, Go checkout
his band Cinder and buy their latest release (produced
by Scott Weiland & Jay Baumgardner, mixed by
Andy Wallace). They have a promising career ahead
of them no matter how bad Jordan Schur and his gang
of ass kissers try to screw things up.
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